Here’s why “what would you do if you were me?” is usually not a great question to ask your lawyer

Sometimes when the other side has made a settlement offer, the client is uncertain about whether to accept that offer, make a counter-offer, or prepare for trial.  It is not unusual for the client to turn to me, the professional who has helped them navigate the process, and ask, “what would you do if you were me?”

This is an understandable question.  Clients come to know me and trust me to help them make smart decisions.  But it is also not a great question to ask your lawyer.

The problem is, clients don’t really want to know what I would do if I were them; they want me to tell them what they should do, and I cannot do this because I am not them.

All families are unique.  All people are unique.   We all have our own life experiences and concerns.  The things that I value in my life might be very different than the things a client feels are important for their family. 

Some clients might want to “die on the hill” of going to trial to try to avoid paying alimony, while others might be satisfied to give the other side some “go away money” and reduce the risks associated with trying the case in court in order to get the case over with more quickly.

A client may be concerned about the safety of the other parent, and I may not completely understand the fear that sits deep inside the client’s heart.  That’s because I am not the one who has dealt with the other side as a parent, and I’m not the one who has seen and felt the effect of inappropriate behavior on my children.  I’m also not able to understand that feeling fully on a personal level because I’ve never had it in my own life.  My husband has never been a truly scary or unsafe parent to our children, thank God.

Let me be clear.  I am not saying that a client’s safety concern might not be valid. I certainly do not mean that I am not sympathetic to the client and his or her children.  However, in the end, only the client can decide whether the gut feeling that the other parent could or would harm the children is real enough to roll the dice on taking the case to trial.

I try very hard to determine what really matters to my clients and to help them assess settlement offers in light of their priorities.  However, no amount of conversation with a client is going to give me every piece of information the client knows, consciously and subconsciously, about the other side and even about themselves and their own instincts and values.

So in short, that’s why I just can’t answer when a client asks me what I would do if I were them - because I am not them, I have never been them, and I am not the person who will have to live with the consequences of settlement (or of trial, which has its own serious risks).